The Art of giving

Dear friend, Dear HeartBody,

A few days ago I was sitting at home with Ning Xi and 小18, watching video’s about KheN (vqq name 舞者宁曦) At one point the video of my proposal to Ning Xi past by and Ning Xi (herself being extremely emotional on the video) asked me, Why I was so emotional reading my poem to her. I jokingly replied ‘Why were you crying if you even didn’t understand one word of it’. Ning Xi got up and took the framed picture with the poem from the wall, that has been there for over 3 years, and actually started to read the poem for the first time. Because小18 still doesn't speak English Ning Xi had to translate the poem to her. Making Ning Xi realize for the first time what I wrote. You might think wow, Ning Xi is such a horrible wife hahaha, I know she hates it if I think that hahaha…Is it unconsidered of her? Is it sad for me? I say no, its beautiful, because many times in life we give but we don't really give. Most of us give with a purpose and/or assuming there will be a thank you or something in return. This is not giving, this is a manipulative way to get something.

link to the Video: https://v.qq.com/x/page/o0161w1948p.html

There is a story I always liked. A wise man is receiving in his humble house many people who seek guidance and to whom in need, he gives shelter. One day It’s getting clear that his habitat is unable to fulfill its purpose any longer. On that moment, like life always gives to those in need who don't ask - Jesus himself said ‘the meek shall inherit the earth’.

That day a wealthy man who occasionally sought guidance from the wise man comes by and puts a big bag of money on the table and proclaims ‘Here, so you can expand your house’. The wise man looks at the wealthy man and tells him, ‘I need to think if I can accept this’, please come back tomorrow’. The wealthy man somewhat in shock by this unexpected answer comes back the next morning as asked. The wise man looks him in the eyes and says ‘I shall accept your gift’ The wealthy man is speechless and is slowly getting furious, his eyes are spitting fire, his whole body is getting hard and rigid. The wise man noticed the physical change and asks the man ‘Are you all right?’ This was the limit, the wealthy man explodes, saying to the wise man ‘ You show no respect to me and that’s really impolite, have you no manners?. To say that you accept my gift, like I should be grateful and say thank you to you for accepting my gift. This is preposterous! You should be the one to say thank you and show gratitude, that’s the least you can do. Do you know how much money I'm giving you? The wise man looks with a soft smile on his face at the wealthy man, and asks the man ‘Are you giving me this to get something like respect, humbleness, gratitude or to declare to everyone what you have done for me? Can’t you see I'm doing this for you’. Now the wealthy man is even more puzzled. ‘You're not showing gratitude to me for me?’ People don't look at long term anymore, instead they look for instant fulfillment, without seeing how instant fulfillment can be destructive on the long term. Are you still following me? Let me explain. If the wise man would have accepted with deep gratitude this offer, saying thank you and let this wealthy man proclaim to everyone what he has done. Then how can this wealthy man ever in the future accept guidance and advise from the wise man again, how can he accept his words when he feels superior to the wise man by his offer of money?

My proposal was metaphorical speaking my bag of money that I wanted to give, it was something I wanted to do, I wasn’t looking for any thank you or praise. I did this from my heart because I wanted to. The funny thing is I know nobody understood what I was saying when I recited my poem, which would have been amazing anyway if someone did understand a single word. My emotional voice through the speakers was as unclear as possible. But how come me and Ning Xi and many people that were present that day were emotional, crying and touched? if no one understood what I was saying.

This reminded me of another situation.

When Ning Xi and me went to the marriage office in China to register our marriage, there was a point, were we both had to read the Chinese marriage laws. Because me being a laowai the officer asked us both to read the English version out loud. Again Ning Xi and me got really emotional and cried while we were reciting the marriage laws, even funnier the woman behind the counter also started to cry. Honestly I didn’t understand one word of what I was reading, neither did Ning Xi or the woman behind the counter. But still all 3 of us were crying.

This made me realize that the most emotional scenes you have ever seen in movies are most times without any text, just images and music. Just remember for yourself those moments when you got really emotional or touched watching a movie, were most likely with no or just a few words involved. It was a situation without words, just music or the scene by itself.

Hence words can never be stronger than feelings, body language, music. And this is the power or Art, It goes deeper than our cognitive understanding. It hits us with surprise, most times even without knowing why, or it opens doors in our heart that we have closed and locked. Feelings and emotions are so much more profound than words ever can be. Even if you got emotional by a text, its probably the way the text was spoken, the intonations in the voice, the body languages that made you cry. So we can easily say language is an obstacle, its just a means to express ourselves but by itself it has not much emotional value.

So after 3 years Ning Xi read my poem, but the poem wasn’t the reason we both got emotional at that time, it was the situation. So there is no reason at all that I should feel offended or feeling not being appreciated for the poem. I had so much fun preparing the proposal, making sure the right music would start, finding the wright words. It was a gift from my heart without wanting anything in return, well maybe only hoping Ning Xi would say yes hahaha. No, not even that, it was of no importance to me, it was an expression of my feelings for her on that moment. It was what I wanted to do with every pore in my body, I have never been more sure of anything in my life. Also knowing it was a moment without any guarantees for the future. It was that moment being in the moment.

Why do we not really give in life?

Because really giving is expressing how you really feel without wanting anything in return, without being afraid to get hurt or ridiculed. Without feeling good about what you did, but purely because you want to, and even if they in the worst case kill you or would beat you up, for your gift, it would be still good, only then giving is giving.

Like Jesus, he knew Judas would betray him, but he still loved him, he took the punishment and thanked Judas. that it a pure gift from the heart.

The beauty about pure gifts is that there’s no expectation and when there is no expectation you will never get disappointed. Unfortunately most of us can’t give without expectations and an open heart, because were so afraid to get disappointed or hurt. That’s a shame, a real shame because I know life. life will reward those with courage and will disappoint those that play safe. If you will just withhold yourself 1 %, you will be disappointed. Don't give hoping someone will say thank you, or does something in return for you. don't get angry or upset or start creating illusions that the others don't respect or appreciate you. these are illusions you create based on your absent ‘reward’. The true way of giving is to give and say thank you to the one who is accepting your gift, no expectations or rewards, no feeling good about what you did. Just being grateful that the receiver accepted your gift. That’s why the giver wants to say thank you from his heart to the receiver for accepting his gift.

This is why I never felt bad or thought Ning Xi did not appreciate my poem.

That’s the Art of giving.

Give with gratitude, Love, laugh, cry, live, live with Body and Heart, live fully, feel fully, touch fully, love fully, Be. Be one, be full, be One-body, Be a HeartBody.

Hug,

དཀོན་མཆོག་བསྟན་འཛིན།