Mothers Day
Yesterday I used KheN’s morning cards to pick a card for all the mothers in the world. When I turned the card I was not surprised by the card I picked. 放下 literally translated ‘Release Below’ and meaning ‘Letting Go’ might seem a strange card to pick to represent mothers day, but to me it makes total sense. Even the literal translation ‘release below’ is interesting to me.
Let me explain : The natural instinctive desire for every woman to become a mother needs to be unconscious fulfilled, it’s bigger than they can understand. But the painful reality to the opposite of this instinct is the conscious emotional pain from the moment they are pregnant. Its like the duality of the literal translation ‘Release Below’. If a woman becomes pregnant there will be an unconscious instinctive 'Release Below'. The woman has a whom and about 400 Ovum’s (eggs). An ovum is a mature follicle. Women have from the moment they start menstruating about 400.000 of them left, but only about 1 lucky follicle in a 1000 makes it to mature into an Ovum. If we put aside mental and emotional reasoning and purely look at the physical body of a woman then we can understand that it’s a natural must for a them to become pregnant, why else does she has a whom and Ovum’s. This instinctive unconscious physical necessity needs to be fulfilled. Like I said before when put all metal en emotional reasoning aside. Just purely based on the physical body of a woman. ‘Release Below’ is fulfilled when a Ovum gets fertilized by the male sperm. From that moment on the whom can fulfill its natural function. When giving birth another step in ‘Release Below’ starts literally when the woman is releasing the child from the whom. 'Release Below' and 'Letting Go' have of course the same meaning and from the moment of conception a woman starts the process of 'Letting Go', and trust me its an endless process for them of 'Letting Go'.
The first step is when the mother needs to let go of the child by birth, for nine month she has been carrying you inside her, protected and nurtured you. this is probably why giving birth is such a painful experience, not only physical but emotional as well. The cutting of the navel string is a beautiful symbol for the disconnection from 2 symbiotic people as one to 2 individuals.
The second step happens when the mother has or wants to stop breastfeeding and is related to the first step. In both carrying the child in the whom and giving breastfeeding, the child is dependent on the physical nourishment only a mother has and can give. The stage of ending breastfeeding is the end for a mother to give her child physical nourishment. One can only imagine how difficult this is. I have witnessed my son and mother both crying when she decided to stop this. Both where in despair and the emotional pain was tangible. The end of Physical nourishment (whom and breast), is the end of the physical nourishment a mother can give. If we look at this emotionally its literally the end of a child needing its mother. Which of course is a very painful realization, more for the mother as an adult emotional person than for a child’s instinctive necessity. But for both it has an enormous emotional impact.
The third step is when the child start being able to move itself around, either by crawling or walking. The child will start exploring its new world and slowly starts creating space between the mother and itself. Creating distance from the mother but always making sure she’s around.
The fourth step comes when the child is brought to daycare, babysitters, grandparents or any care taker. This is the first time a mother needs to let go of her natural instinct and gives the taking care of her child to other hands. I have seen this and many of you probably remember the first time you send your child away. Both mother and child are crying while having to say goodbye.
The fifth step is when the child for whatever reason has its first overnight away from its mother. I know many mothers will keep calling and checking if the child is doing ok, sometimes even watching outside the house off the care takers. This step is delayed as long as possible by any mother and one has to understand why.
The sixth step is when the child enters its first puberty and starts saying No, its physically and verbally expressing it’s an unique individual. This is a very necessary step for any child to discover its own autonomy that is often not understood by their mother. It gives the feeling that the child doesn't love the mother anymore, which is of course a misperception.
The seventh step is when the child needs to go to school. from that day on the child will be 1/3 of the day for 5 or 6 days a week under the care of the school. I know from experience that those first months of bringing your child to school is heartbreaking and many mothers will question themselves why. What mothers often don't realize is, the moment they are out of side the child is fine. But somehow this tear dragging goodbye gets postponed as long as possible. Sometimes I wonder if a mother is enjoying seeing their child cry for them refusing to say goodbye. Maybe it’s an unconscious remembering that the child needs its mother, that of course can fulfill the emotional lose after the physical nourishment has become obsolete.
The eight step is a vacation or school trip for multiple days where the child either with the father alone, school, friends or any other situation is going away for more than 1 day. Again mothers are continually checking if their child is fine in a numerous different and creative and sometimes even absurd ways.
The ninth step happens when the child enters its adolescent puberty and starts arguing and disconnection from its mother and prefers to seek counseling and attention from same sex friends. These friends seem to become more important than the mother which is understandable very painful to the mother. This is the period where children need to disconnect from their mother in order to stand and prepare themselves for the final cut. It’s the period where mothers often feel they don't understand their children anymore and mothers are ridiculed of by their children.
The tenth step is when the child becomes sexually active and starts spending more and more time with the one they love. Their partner is slowly taken the place of the mother, especially when the child is a son. The mother feels its replaced by another woman which is a very painful feeling and makes it understandable why so many daughter in laws have issues with the mother in law.
The eleventh step is when the child is leaving the house, either to study, get married or wants to life on its own. Depending on how good a mother has dealt with the previous steps of letting go the child will visit the mother accordingly. If a mother is not able to let go which is completely understandable the long term effect of her behavior often concedes in the child not wanting to come home or in an obsessive connection from the child, calling its mother multiple times a day and cant make any decision by its own.
The twelfth step is when the mother literally physical and emotional has to let go of het child because of her last breath.
As you can see from the moment a child is conceived the mother starts a painful journey of 'Letting Go' that eventually will result in her literally having to let go. This is why its so important that both child and mother from the conception have to realize that they both are two autonomous independent individuals. If both child and mother understand this they will have a beautiful relationship where joy and fights are considered both beautiful and necessary for this process.
My dear niche commented on my previous article Guilt or no Guilt asking me what IS the responsibility of a parent then.
Like I answered her I think this is simple, from the moment of conception parents –especially mothers- need to realize that both of them are autonomous unique individuals that need to life their own live. The responsibility for any parent is to love and guide their child on the child’s chosen path in life, never forgetting the child is an autonomous unique individual. Making sure the child doesn't carry any emotional and mental luggage or patterns from its ancestors that are not the child’s to carry. This sounds simple and again I state its simple, we just make it difficult for whatever emotional and mental reason or (un)conscious pattern parents follow from their own ancestors.
Conclusion
So next time you get into a fight with your mother (in law), child(ren) or son /daughter in law remember that for a mother it has been from the moment of conception a very painful journey of 'Letting Go', that most of them found very hard to do. Which is very understandable if you realize all these steps. So take a moment to breath remember that her 'Letting Go' and sometimes your own is not a very easy thing to do. And actually all she needs is for you to say you love her, give her hug and thank her for giving life to you, for nourishing you and loving you. Even if its has been to much or to little in your eyes. They have done the best they could according to their own history. Always honour your mother for the simple fact, that without her you would not be here.
KheN’s morning cards can be used in a numerous of ways. It can be a daily inspiration or guidance card, it can help to open dialogues between lovers, parents or children to get a deeper understanding about each other. It can help or guide you in difficult decision making times or as a therapy.
I have created a numerous of possibilities to use these Morning Cards.
Why do we call it morning cards?
The first idea of these cards was to put the cards in a bowl and in the morning you pick a card for that day, but gradually I’ve been using them in Polak Therapy and private sessions. I even wrote a book about these cards to give you a better understanding what the card stands for for me. The cards are available in Both Chinese and English either scan our QR code to direct yourself straight to our Wechat shop or go to our website www.khen.info and click shop.
If you're not living in China email me and we will find a solution to get the cards to you.
Moring cards are a family production, I asked my daughter Eden after giving her 49 words if she could make a drawing that matches each word. Till today I'm still amazed by her creativity and way of drawing. Ning Xi translated the words into Chinese and I designed the final cards bringing the drawing and words together.
I'm very proud father and husband.
Honour your Mother, Love, laugh, cry, live, live with Body and Heart, live fully, feel fully, touch fully, love fully, Be. Be one, be full, be One-body, Be a HeartBody.
Hug,
དཀོན་མཆོག་བསྟན་འཛིན།
