Guilt or no Guilt
Dear Friend, Dear HeartBody,
As a therapist I often get cases where the clients behavior is unconsciously based on their loyalty towards -in most cases- their parents. This intrigues me and fascinates me, as its so obvious to me what they’re doing, that I realize every day more and more how deep loyalty imbeds in us. That most of us often don't even realize why we behave the way we do, why our emotions are running away with us. That one important reason is this unconscious loyal repetitive behavior towards our ancestors. Most times our father and/or mother, but also grandparents or generations before us. Even in some cases to unborn or premature died brothers and/or sisters and disowned family members.
What I witness a lot is clients feeling guilty when they’re happy. This could be for example because the client knows conscious her mother wasn’t happy, then out of loyalty to her she unconsciously can’t be happy or feels she doesn't deserve to be happy neither. If this sounds familiar to you, then realize you’re following the life of a family member. Creating situations in your life to be unhappy, because somehow unconsciously you feel this is right.
Another and often related matter is the question ‘Do we as a child owe our parents? Do we carry guilt towards them for raising us and supporting us? This question has been asked many times in different era’s of human psychology and spiritualism. The answer and conclusions are enormously diverse and I'm just adding my opinion to this discussion.
I believe we don't owe our parents anything, it has been their decision to have a child, and with that decision comes a lifetime taking care of. How can Guilt be natural? How can an unnatural emotion such as guilt be a reason to do something naturally? Its not possible and will create a disharmony.
Living in China, I'm very aware of the matter of Filial obligation (do we have to take care of our parents?) For more information read the article ‘my culture’.
What I'm concerned about is when parents are demanding and feeding this guilt, to ensure the child will take care of them. like I said before and Lao Tzu said 2500 years ago, we need to follow the natural order of life, don't interfere and let life take its natural course. Life is balance and when its out of balance it will restore balance. The more the parents are feeding an unnatural emotion like guilt, the more the child will resist, showing unexplainable behavior in the eyes of the parents, and then they wonder why...
If the child will do out of guilt or any other unnatural emotion what the parents want, like taking care of them, marry a certain person, take the suggested job etc. The child is figuratively dead, it's becoming an empty robot following orders with no love and a closed heart. This will eventually create anger, irritations and an unhealthy relationship between parents and child(ren). The danger is when this negative emotions are not expressed or dealt with, they might result in physical (chronicle) illness. Which might create an excuse not to do what one doesn't want to do.
Illness as an excuse created by the unspoken.
Take a moment to read that sentence over and over again.
If you know what you need and want to do, but you’re to afraid to do or say it, you might get sick. You might even prefer being sick so you don't have to say or do what you know you have to. In other words you're a coward, and you wonder why life is not giving you what you want. life only gives to those that are courageous, that face their difficulties and re(solve) them. Stay a coward if you want, keep hiding behind your illness, but at least know why.
If you don't know why, then ask yourself why am I getting sick? why do I find myself over and over again in the same situation? To who are you loyal within your family, who are you following? Life is beautiful, its telling you something, listen to life, listen to your body. Set yourself free to a healthy happy life.
If there is a natural harmony in the family there will be a natural desire to take care of ones elders. Using non action also known as Wu Wei 无为. If there is a conflict in a family filial piety will arise to correct that what is out of balance. Lao Tzu sais “The Master is available to all people and doesn't reject anyone" and "Every being in the universe is an expression of the Tao" These two passages point to the realization that all people and all objects in the universe are connected. There exists between all beings a naturally reciprocal filial piety that binds them together. It is through the realization of this that we can come to a deeper understanding of what it truly means to be filial and why we unconsciously are so loyal.
Funny enough on this matter even Confucius agrees. According to Confucius, being filial to our parents is the utmost expression of respect. This is an essential element in obtaining the title of chun-tzu, meaning; noble person. His golden or sometimes referred to as his silver rule is “Do not do unto others what you don't want them to do to you” This is the essence of the relationships within a family, or universe for that matter. The essence of Buddhism is ‘Have no desires’. Desiring you're child to take care of you is therefore against Buddhism.
Feeding Guilt to a child as a Chinese parent goes in fact against the Confucian Law, against Lao Tzu’s Tao and against Buddhism. Why are (Chinese) parents still doing this? If it clearly goes against your own culture. Stop feeding your child with guilt. Set your child free.
Another dangerous thing is that when a family member is not dealing with its own issues, any family member that comes after will unconsciously follow this unresolved issue out of loyalty.
There is a reason why Hellinger keeps pointing out repetitively that the natural cause of taking care always goes down. It never goes up, because going up is against the flow of nature. Rain doesn't go up, Sun rays don't go up. Water doesn't go up, only when its heated natural or unnatural as a metaphor for unreleased emotions. When you put a pan full of water on a fire and keep the lid on, it will eventually explode like a geyser. The steam will vaporize, only to fall back again on earth. In the end no matter what, taking care of will have to go down. Like growing up always has to go up, every child needs to grow up and stand on its own feet and life its own life. This is the law of nature, taking care goes down and growing up goes up.
When taking care of goes up, the natural hierarchy of a family is disrupted. The child becomes its parents parent, the parents will become the children of the child. In this way the grown ups stop growing up, and the child is becoming the grown up. This is unnatural and will create a lot of conflicts in a family. This is the same when a younger brother or sister takes the place of the older brother or sister. It creates disharmony. Disharmony will explode, its inevitable. And only after an explosion the natural order can be restored. This is probably why there are so many fights within families, because someone in the family –most times unconsciously- is out of place. It only takes one family member to be out of place to disrupt an entire family. Like the pan with water on a fire. Like Lao Tzu says ‘When there is no peace in the family, filial piety begins’.
So taking care always has to go down or eventually will go down. I use the word ‘taking care of’ instead of responsibility deliberately. Because when parents decide to have a child they're responsible for the child till the child is of legal age and is considered to be an adult. When the child becomes an adult, parents are no longer responsible for the actions of the child. The adult child has to take responsibility for its own actions as an unique individual, but the parents have to take care of the child for a life time. For me the difference between ‘responsible for’ and ‘taking care of’ is essential.
Taking care of is a natural desire parents should have for their child(ren) and will never stop. And I mean mostly emotional taking care of. If parents do this good, without any control, manipulation and respecting the life and choices of the adult child then there will be balance and harmony. This Adult child will want to take care of its parents with love and an open heart, without any guilt or unnatural obligations.
Therefore the sentence used in systemic constellation when a child stands in front of his surrogate parents, and these surrogates tell the child ‘You're the small one, we are the big ones, we take care of you, you don't take care of us’ is so important. Even adding ‘Our issues are our issues and not for you to carry’
These 2 little sentences can restore so much unbalance in any family. It will set the child free from unconscious loyalty patterns, like ‘You're unhappy and therefore I will be unhappy or don't deserve to be happy’. It will set the child free of the guilt it might feel towards its parents. I have seen the effect of this ‘ritual’ many times and the physical and emotional release is tremendous.
This is why its so important that every family member is included and takes its rightful place within the family. Why its so important that each family member deals with its own emotional issues to set future generations free of any unconscious emotional luggage.
To conclude:
I believe that children have no, or should not feel any guilt towards their parents, because guilt is simply an unnatural emotion. Loyalty and reciprocal filial piety is natural in a family, there is no need to force, manipulate, demand or feed it. Let it stay natural, free of any emotions that are not your own and free of any manipulations. A natural love, because love cannot be grasped, it can’t be bought or demanded, it's untouchable and free. Free love and loyalty is natural and demands no actions -Wu Wei- or rules.
Guilt free, Wu Wei, Love, laugh, cry, live, live with Body and Heart, live fully, feel fully, touch fully, love fully, Be. Be one, be full, be One-body, Be a HeartBody.
Hug,
དཀོན་མཆོག་བསྟན་འཛིན།
