Repression and Health?
Dear Friend, Dear HeartBody,
I want to share a story with you about the effect of repressing anything and the result of this repression on your body mind and emotions. Its a story from Osho mixed with his and my comments.
One day a so-called holy man was leaving his house – he was going to see a friend – when at the gate he met a childhood friend who had come to see him.
The holy man said, “Welcome! But where have you been for so many years? Come in! Look, I have promised to see some friends and it would be difficult to postpone the visit, so please rest in my house. I will be back in an hour or so. I will return soon and we can have a long chat. For years I have been looking forward to seeing you again one day.”
The friend replied, “Oh no, wouldn’t it be better if I were to come with you? But my clothes are very dirty. If you can just give me something fresh, I will change and come along with you.”
Sometime earlier, the king had given the holy man some valuable clothes and he had been saving them for some grand occasion. Joyfully, he brought them out. His friend put on the precious coat, the turban, the dhoti and the beautiful shoes. He looked like the king himself. Looking at his friend, the holy man felt a bit jealous; in comparison he looked like a servant. He began to wonder if he had made a mistake, giving away his best outfit, and he began to feel inferior. Now everyone’s attention would go to his friend, he thought, and he himself would look like an attendant, a servant:“Today, because of my own set of clothes, I will appear to be a beggar.”
He tried to calm his mind by thinking of himself as a man of God, as one who talks of God, the soul and noble things all the time. “After all, of what importance is a fine coat or a costly turban? Let it be as it is, what difference can they make?” But the more he tried to persuade himself of their insignificance, the more his mind became obsessed with the coat and the turban. On the surface he tried to converse with his friend on other topics but inwardly his mind hovered around the coat and the turban. On the way, although they were walking together, passers-by only looked at his friend, not at him. He began to feel depressed.
They reached the house that they were intending to visit and he introduced his friend: “This is my friend Jamaal, a childhood friend. He is a very lovely man.” And suddenly he blurted, “And the clothes? They are mine!” The friend was stunned. Their hosts were also astonished: what sort of mad behavior is this? The holy man also realized that the remark had been uncalled for, but by then it was too late. He regretted his blunder and because of it he repressed his mind even more. Coming out of the house, he apologized to his friend. The friend said, “I was dumbfounded. How could you say something like that?” The holy man said, “Sorry. It was just my tongue. It was a slip of the tongue.” But the tongue never makes a slip. Sometimes words pop out of one’s mouth unaware, but that too happens only if there is some thing on one’s mind; the tongue never makes a slip. He said, “Forgive me. This really was a mistake. How such a thing came to be uttered, I do not know.” But he knew full well how such a thing came to be uttered: the thought had surfaced from his mind.
They started for another friend’s house. Now the holy man kept making a firm resolve not to say that the clothes were his; he steeled his mind against it. As they arrived at the gate of the other friend’s house he made an irrevocable decision that he would not say that the clothes were his.
That poor man didn’t realize that the more he resolved not to say anything about the clothes, the more firmly rooted the inner feeling that the clothes belonged to him became. After all, why are such firm resolutions made? When someone makes a firm resolution, like a vow of celibacyfor example, it only means that his sexuality is pushing him desperately from inside. Why else would a resolution be needed? If someone makes a resolution to eat less or fast, it implies the person has a deep desire to eat more.Such efforts inevitably result in an inner conflict. What we want to fight against is nothing but our very weaknesses. An inner conflict is then a natural outcome. Thus occupied in an inner struggle, our holy man went into the house. He began very carefully, “This is my friend…” but he noticed that nobody was paying any attention to him. Everybody was looking at his friend and at his clothes with awe, and it struck him: “That is my coat and that is my turban!” But he reminded himself again sternly not to talk about the clothes. “Everyone,
rich or poor, has clothes of some kind or another. It is a trivial matter, this whole world is maya, an illusion,” he explained to himself. But the clothes swung before his eyes like a pendulum, to and fro, to and fro. He resumed the introduction: “This is my friend. A childhood friend. Avery fine gentleman. And the clothes…those are his, not mine.” The people were amazed. They had never before heard such an introduction: “The clothes are his and not mine”!
As they left the house, he again apologized profusely: “A big blunder,” he admitted. Now he was confused about what to do and what not to do. “Clothes have never had a hold on me like this before! Oh God, what has happened to me?” The poor fellow did not know that the strategy he was using on himself was such that anybody would be caught up by it.
The friend, now quite indignant, said he would not go any further with him. The so-called man of God grabbed his arm and begged, “Please don’t do that. I would be unhappy for the rest of my life, having shown such bad manners to a friend. I swear not to mention the clothes again. With my whole heart, I swear to God I will not mention the clothes any more.” But one should always be wary of those who swear, because there is obviously something more profound than the swearing dwelling within them –and against which they have to swear. An oath, a resolution, is on the surface, on the outside. It is made by the conscious part of the mind. But the thing against which the resolution is being taken is inside, in the labyrinths of the subconscious mind. If the mind were divided into ten parts, it would just be one part, just the upper part that was committed to the resolve; the remaining nine parts would be standing against it. The vow of celibacy, for example, is taken by one part of the mind while the rest of the mind, its other nine parts, are crying out to existence for help, are asking for that very thing that has been implanted in human beings by existence.
They went to the third friend’s house. The holy man held himself back rigorously, keeping control over his every breath. Restrained people are very dangerous because a live volcano boils inside them, and only outwardly are they rigid and full of control.
Please remember, anything that is controlled requires so much effort and energy in it that the restraint cannot be maintained the whole time. You will have to relax sometime; you will have to rest sometime. For how long can you clench your fist? Twenty-four hours? The tighter you clench it, the more it tires and the more quickly it will open up. Whatsoever requires an effort and the more effort it requires, the sooner you will tire, and just the opposite will start happening. Your hand can remain open all the time, but it can not remain clenched in a fist all the time. Anything that requires an effort to keep in place cannot become a natural way of life to you, can never be spontaneous for you. If it requires effort, it will also need rest. And so, the more self-controlled a saint is, the more dangerous he is, because the time to rest from this restraint will come. In twenty-four hours of self-control, one will have to relax for an hour or two, and during this period there will be such an upsurge of suppressed sins one will find oneself in the midst of hell.
People that are angry with someone, especially their parents or relatives and tell me they have no contact with them and refuse to see or talk to them are suffering more then when they would stay in contact. The thing is you are giving them, the ones that you try to ignore so much power by denying them. They will rule your life. Imagine how hard it is to deny another persons existence. Its impossible. No matter how much they have hurt you, by denying the existence of other people, you're giving them so much power. Better let go and forgive, open the dialogue, talk to them see them, forgive them. not for them but for yourself.
There’s another little story a really like;
A God loving man, who devoted his whole life to God dies and when he comes to heaven, God tells him, you’ve been such a good devote, I will let you chose what you want to be in your next life. the God loving man without any hesitation says, ‘I want to be an Atheist’ . You can imagine the face of God, he didn’t understand and asked ‘why?’ The man answered ‘ I devoted my life to you, I was happy, but there were moments I still forgot about you. next life I want to think of you 24 hours a day, that’s why I want to be an atheist. Atheist have to be continuously against God, saying they don't accept any God. But how ironic they need to accept that there’s a God otherwise how can they deny.
There’s a great misunderstanding in forgiveness. People think that forgiveness is for the other person. No, forgiveness is for you, it heals you, it sets you free. That’s the reason its so difficult. If it was just for the other, then it would be easy. But to set yourself free of undesired emotions is sometime very difficult. Some people can life of the energy of anger.
I had a period in my life where I had a deep conflict with my mother, I told her I break all the contact with you, we’re done. But the thing is, my children kept asking me about their grandmother. It became impossible to maintain this rigid attitude. It was harder and cost me so much more energy to deny my mothers existence then accepting her for who she was, forgive her and let go.
The story continues:
The holy man held himself rigorously in check so as not to speak of the clothes. Imagine his condition. If you are even a little bit of a so-called religious person, you will be able to imagine his condition from your own experiences. If you have ever sworn against something or taken a vow, or controlled yourself over something, you must know very well about the pitiable state such a person passes through inwardly.
They went into the house. The holy man was perspiring all over; he was in such turmoil. The friend was also worried, seeing his tense state. Slowly and carefully he uttered each and every word, of the introduction: “Meet my friend. He is a very old friend, a very nice man he is…” For a moment he faltered. As if a huge push came from inside and all
self-restraint was washed away, he blurted aloud, “And the clothes? Pardon me,
I won’t talk about them, because I have sworn not to!” What happened to this man has happened to the whole of humanity as far as sex is concerned. Because it is condemned, sex has been turned into an obsession, a disease, a wound. It has become poisoned.
Somehow people have the need to tell me everything, their deepest pains and secrets, sometimes even when I just met this person. This is probably because they feel save telling me this, knowing I will always keep it to myself and most important I don't judge them. I don't judge, I understand.
The secret that occurs the most of course is the one of cheating. And understand me well both men and women seem to have this secret. It’s amazing how many people are having one or more affairs during their relationship. Or even deny that they have a relationship because their parents don't agree with their choice.
For those who read my article about cheating know I don't believe in cheating, for me its impossible to consider love as cheating, how can love be cheating? What I do believe in is lying. I don't understand why people lie about their affairs to their partner. Well I do know why, but I can't understand. I know if there is a secret between partners no matter if it’s the lover or the spouse, their love is polluted. It can never be pure (again) and it will disturb and affect their relationship, their children, their work and family.
The moment the one that has the affair starts feeling guilty and becomes a cowered to tell the truth, its going to affect the relationship. You had the guts to have the affair, to sleep with someone else then also have the guts to tell your partner. On one side the pleasure and excitement of the affair gives you that satisfaction for a short moment, but on the other side telling this might mean your partner wants a divorce or break up. Look at the duality in this. You are willing to have the affair, but are unwilling to face the consequences. You want only the pleasure but not the difficulty. Can you see if you're lying about it, about your pleasure it come with difficulty, guarenteed. How can your affair ever be completely enjoyable? How can hiding the truth ever make your relationship work? Neither will give you a complete satisfied feeling. You lose on all fronts.
So here’s what is happening when you're repressing the truth physical, mental and emotional.
Physical:
Your body will react on this constant repression, like the holy man in the story that starts transpiring all over his body. If you’re not letting it out, your body needs to deal with it, giving you a variety of physical pains depending on who you are and your body. Most likely vaginal, stomach or intestine problems. Literally all the body parts that are responsible for your digesting system. Throat problems and mouth troubles for not being able to say what you want to say.
Skin problems for not letting out through your pores what needs to get out. You have no idea the effect your body has on keeping secrets. And you go on and on seeing doctors and specialists to help you. but you created this problems by being a cowered. For wanting pleasure without accepting the responsibility.
Mental:
Your mind is in a constant dialogue, telling or not telling, it starts creating reasons not to tell, to justify why you did it. ‘My partner is never there for me, doesn't care anymore, is ignoring me, I deserve this, its his or her own fault.’
Your mind is in constant dialogue and then you wonder why you feel so tired all the time, why you can’t concentrate. You see the power you give to the other, to the lie. Its domination your life. The next thing is your mind starts playing tricks on you. We have a proverb in Holland. 'Zoals de waard is vertrouwd hij zijn gasten'. It literally means the boss trusts his customers based on himself. You start seeing and believing your partner is also cheating, that he or she is a bad person. You know why you're doing this? Because you feel guilty and if your partner is also wrong then you don't have to feel so guilty anymore. You're just leveling and justifying your guilty feeling. Hé, if the other is bad then what I did is not so bad neither. Sometimes you even start going crazy, blaming your partner for cheating, but what you're actually doing is just shifting your own guilt and start projecting it on your partner.
Emotionally:
You can imagine when your body is getting sick and or your mind is working overtime the effect it has on your emotional state, and then you start asking yourself why you’re not happy? Why can't you enjoy life anymore, why everything feels so bad and dark.
You try to run from one thrill to another, or you start giving up.
Can you see the spiral you're creating, if just one of the three is not content, body mind and heart, they will start infecting each other, and before you know it all three are going down, making the spiral going down faster, enforcing all your symptoms, you're feeding your symptons.
For those that need to lie to their parents about the person they love, the effect is the same. You can never love your partner completely, you will always have to be careful when you're around your parents or family. This is eating you up, this is killing you. and neither your family or your partner will see or feel you're there with them a 100 %, you yourself can’t even be fully with them. You're suffering.
What you deny, what you repress, will come out one way, by physical, mental or emotional illness. Lying will always and I state always cost you more.
And I don't want to hear, 'but we have kids, we stay together for the kids'. Can you imagine that what you're repressing, the child feels, and what does a child do out of loyalty? It starts expressing everything you're repressing, and then you wonder what's wrong with your child. Secondly this is the example your giving to your Child, sacrifice yourself for others, never chose your own happiness, don't take any risk is life, its better to be unhappy and everybody else is happy around you. Third, this is the example you're giving to your child what love is. Parents that don't talk with each other anymore, that are always fighting or upset.
Yes lets stay together for the child! It is better for the child. Think again! You're killing your child.
Then one of you has the guts to go and make the step to divorce or separate, the other is so upset about this, that can't see the beauty of this act of setting you both free again that you starts brainwashing the child, what a bad person the other is. yes lets stay together for the child, lets put everything aside for the child. You can’t if you're angry with the other partner you will make the child know this and again the child is suffering. Afraid to talk or see the other parent. Why are parents killing their children, why do they have to suffer from your decision to have them and then not being able to take care of them.
Its vital that what ever you feel for your ex, that you solve this, forgive, let go, see the beauty and then you're a true parent for your child, that is happy when the child can see the other parent as much as possible.
No we need lawyers to determine how many times you can see your child, how much money you need to pay or get. This is sick! This has nothing to do with love or being a parent. This is infantile behavior. This is an ego that needs revenge no matter how much the others are suffering. But the irony is you are the one that is suffering the most. The more you retaliate the more you suffer. The more you try to control the more you will lose. Open your eyes!
Stop repressing, stop retaliating, stop sacrificing, stop just stop. Be happy, there is absolutely no one to blame for your unhappiness only yourself, if you understand this then you understand that only you can make yourself happy again. And honesty is the first step.
Life Unrepressed and honest, Love, laugh, cry, live, live with Body and Heart, live fully, feel fully, touch fully, love fully, Be. Be one, be full, be One-body, Be a HeartBody.
Hug,
དཀོན་མཆོག་བསྟན་འཛིན།
