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How to respect, 【Kevin专栏】

Kevin Polak དཀོན་མཆོག་བསྟན་འཛིན།
19 feb 2017
12 minuten om te lezen

Original 2017-02-19 Kevin Polak KheN

Dear friend, Dear HeartBody,

My Article about ‘why Women complain’ got some interesting remarks. Thank you all for your reactions and donations. My statement that the one that has the complain is the one that has the problem seems to be something what not everybody wants to hear, especially women seem not to like it. This I understand, because women like to come together and complain about their husbands, lovers boyfriends and the women they know that are not present at the gathering. But now suddenly I take a precious thing out of their hands, suddenly they're confronted with their own disappointments and problems in their life and can’t blame their husband or anyone else anymore. Ah that’s no fun…. I understand, but lets be honest, you got yourself in this situation, no one put a gun against your head, so you are the only one that can solve or can get out of this situation. Blaming and Complaining isn’t going to make you happier. So face your own music and take responsibility, and make yourself happy (again). Don't say ‘I can’t’ because we both know that is bullshit.

Most precious is that some family members reacted on my article that I haven’t spoken to for a long time. That Makes my heart happy and joyful. Thank you family for commenting.

In a way they had the same question/ remark. How to obtain and teach respect from and to our children and to each other, from human to human. How can you teach someone to respect what is valuable to others.

Now before I go into this subject there are a couple of things you need to understand first.

The first thing is respect is like love and can not be demanded or forced upon anyone. Therefore it can not be taught in the academic sense.

The second thing is, what respect is to one person isn’t necessary respectful to another person.

The simple fact that burping in one culture is an expression of total lack of respect while in another culture it’s the highest form of resect you can show. This duality already shows that there’s no universal law for respect. If one person doesn't feel the same as another in the same situation then neither is wrong and both are right. In the end its based on our own culture, family, filters en past.

I know in the essence love and the lack of respect between Cultures, counties and humans is the reason for every single war or fight in the world. Look at history, one religion thinks its the true religion, therefore all other religions are unworthy and those followers need to be saved. What arrogance how can one religion -if every religion is in its core based on love- say or believe another is bad and evil. Where is the respect and love for others in that. Look at the history between Christians and Muslims for example. How many times have they tried to convert or exterminate each other?. Why? In the name of God. How dare they use the word God for this unloving and disrespectful quest. Those who kill in the name of any God have no idea what their own god stands for. They're being used and brainwashed by men with a higher purpose. But that’s an article for another time.

Back to respect, Respect is based on your own filters and past regarding your culture and society, lets call this Macro respect. Next is what is taught and seen as respectful in your own family, Meso Respect, and then there is what you personally feel respect should be, you guessed it, Micro Respect.

So what is Respect? If we understand that it is influenced by Micro, Meso and Macro issues of your life, culture and its past then one starts to wonder what respect truly is. Who invented this word, its appropriate behavior and with which purpose? Every invention, law or social behavior is in its origin a creation by men who had a purpose.

So I'm going to honestly expose my family on these 3 levels based on my understanding, to make you understand how loaded respect can be and how dropping and leaving a towel on the floor is getting completely out of proportion.

My Macro Respect:

My family is Jewish, well at least by blood, not necessary by the Jewish law.

We also know that cells have memory, and that memory is also filled with existential traumas and emotions. The whole world knows the story about the Jews and I'm not only talking about the second world war, I'm going back as far as the Jews go. A tribe that has been repressed and prosecuted during the ages. So on a macro level every Jew has a issue with being seen as worthy and equal. The feeling of not being accepted hence respected. The beauty of this is that the Jews keep seeing themselves as the chosen ones. One has to love this irony. The Chosen ones seem to have faced extinction many times. Are the other religions, tribes or nations jealous…. But remember my article about ‘my culture’, This statement, this sentence that the Jews are the chosen ones is created by men with a reason, I wonder if they knew the impact of that phrase, would they have still propaganda it…

So respect in my family on a macro level is deeper than our family members can understand, because its unconsciously a existential fear and trauma of generations of the Jewish race. When I tap into this pain I can’t stop crying, I have to close the tab, its an endless never ending mourning for those that where lost.

My Meso respect:

Let me start with my grandfather, he was a respected man in his community. He survived three wife’s in his life. His first wife gave him a daughter F, his second wife 2 daughters Y and L and his third wife a son W. My grandfather had a sister R and a brother M.

This seems very normal at first sight.

Now the mess starts coming. My uncle M took money, possessions from their mother and ‘deliberately’ betrayed his family during the 2nd world war. My grandfather- both being lawyers - had a dispute in court to settle this issue. My grandfather won and my uncle M was silenced and never spoken about again. Now for those that understand Family constellation know that any member in the family that has been silenced, will unconsciously be replaced or followed by another family member. A child that hangs to death, doesn't want to life or can’t communicate with his family. A child that makes you wonder who is this child? What this child is doing is replacing the expelled family member. Family is extremely loyal, and the child doesn't even know why its behaving the way it does.

My biological Grandmother died 10 month after giving birth to my mother under very suspicious circumstances, no cause of death and only a lot of blood. I know what happened, and my family may not be ready to know this but I feel that the reason they reacted on my post is that unconsciously they want to know, they are ready.

The question is how can my mother be a child of my Grandfather when he was captured? The reason is that my mother is not a child of my Grandfather but a child of my Uncle M and My natural grandmother, making my Grandfather my Uncle and my uncle a my grandfather. (Do you still follow?) You need to understand that the money issue was never the reason why uncle M was expelled from our family, that my Uncle M(Grandfather) never deliberately betrayed his brother, but love can make humans do strange things. Just look at history or your own life.

The question arises who killed my grandmother, and therefore yes who killed our biological grandmother? Your grandfather who is actually my uncle? Or did Our grandmother commit suicide and for what reason? Love? Shame? An Abortion that went wrong....?

My mother always felt she has been the black sheep in her family, and yes she was out o fplace, it turns out that she was the niece to her older sister F, her full sister Y turns out to become her half sister and her brother W turns out to be her nephew. Being a niece and Nephew while believing and trying to be a sister. Sexually abused by who she thought was her father but was actually her uncle. I understand that she never felt in place. Now coming back to Meso respect in my family, you can understand that all those secrets have an enormous impact of not being seen or respected. Any secret or out of placement is a lack of respect and has an enormous impact on every family member for generations to come. When I look at my family I can see and understand why they are who they are, why they struggle the way they do.

The story from before my grandfather is even uglier, and I'm not even going into the story of the family of our step grandmother, who I love deerly. I want to keep it to just this generation and bloodline.

Now this is just my mothers side, half of my genes. My biological fathers story is not any better. My father was adopted and only discovered this when his ‘mother’ told him this just before she died. Knowing that his real parents already died. Imagine this, being a man of 50 years old and then getting to know your whole life was a lie. And the body knows the body knows its out of place. My dear father, if there was ever a life version of the word einzelgänger then he was it and I understand completely why.

This is my Meso family, secrets on secrets, lies upon lies, betrayal, death, out of placement, being expelled, not being in the right spot, sexual abuse. How can there be any true respect in this family full of secrets and lies, while unconsciously there is so much pain, miscommunication and so many secrets.

My Micro Respect

Now you know the story of my mother and father, their existential traumas and emotions are stored in my body, but it gets even worse. When my aunt Y got pregnant from her first child, - not being married - and had to tell her father, he almost died of an heart attack. The shame this could bring upon his family. So my aunt got married very fast to avoid any shame.

The child in the whom it knows it feels this emotions, the reasons.

It gets more interesting, when my mother a few years later also got pregnant not being married, she was to afraid to tell her father (uncle), because she thought that if she would tell him for sure he would die. So my mother started to take medicines to kill me, and yes, I almost died. I have relived that situation and it was very close. the failure of the medicines made my mother decide to travel to Poland by herself to have an illegal abortion. But for whatever reason, this doctor refused to perform an abortion on my mother.

So this is the mirco message I got in the whom, son I love you but out of fear I need to kill you. My biological father left me when I was 10 month old (see the resemblance, my mother lost 1 of her parents after 10 month so did I). what my family doesn't know is that the reason he left is that he didn’t want to sign the contract my Grandfather (Uncle) wanted him to sign. On top of that he stole my mothers savings and disappeared. (seems very much like the behavior of uncle M, funny how we unconsciously chose our life partner as an image to our own parents).

The first year of my life. a father that left me, a mother that tried to kill me. Where is there any Micro respect for me in all of this.

My first 3 years were not any better from sexual abuse and physical abuse by my mothers tenants and hired baby sitters.

Then came my half sister born out of my stepfather and my mother. Now my stepfather had uncontrollable anger issues and my body became his ventilation for about 9 years.

So a boy of 12 with a history of almost being killed, sexually abused, physically abused, misunderstood and coming from a Meso family with all its issues and on top of that the macro issues of being Jewish.

My children carry this in them as well, so dropping or leaving a towel on the floor has nothing to do with respect, it has to do with all those issues that happened before, all those secrets and disrespect on Macro, Meso and Micro levels.

Because honestly how is dropping or leaving a towel on the floor disrespectful? Who cares. espacially in relation to all the Macro, Meso and Micro levels. what are we talking about, a towel.... really. No, the towel becomes an excuse to vertilate our (un)consious feeling of not feeling repected from Macro, Meso and Micro levels.

How do we ‘teach’ our children respect?

The answer to this question is very simple, you need to show them. Respect your children for who they are, for what they do. Then they will respect you. but forcing rules on them they don't understand will never work. Sure they become your loyal robots, knowing that if they behave this way they get punishment or rewarded. They learn a trick like a dog, but its a trick they learned, they haven't learned respect, you need to understand this very clearly, You taught them a trick, as you have learned tricks from your parents. It is not respect, its fake. All you did is teach them to be not themselves, you taught them how to contain themselves, creating little behavioral prisons. Those Prisons will not be able to hold, to control that behavior and they will misbehave and most times in the most inconvenient situation.

Ask your children to be quiet when they play is not logical to them, the fact that you need to work and can only work if its quiet is something they don't understand. They don't know what work is, they don't understand they have to be quiet when they play, how can they? You play, you make noise, you run, you laugh, you shout. How can a parent ask you to not be yourself. For who? For themselves and why? Because your parents told you, because you're an adult now and can’t have any fun anymore? So your child needs to behave as an adult now? Learn from your child, you can learn more from them than you can teach them.

Learn to play again. Respect the child being a child, don't make the child a robotic emotionless frustrated copy of yourself.

Build a fortress together of towels and have fun, play and then together clean the towels, make it a game as well. This way the child understands, playing is creating, building enjoying and cleaning. But shouting 10 times a day to them to make them pick up their towel doesn't make sense to them. They don't understand that you're getting angry, or why they should. You don't even understand yourself why you're getting angry.....Really ask yourself the question why are you really getting angry? why? don't say its disrespectfull, or any nonsense answers that your parents, family, society, culture or religion has taught you. Then you're just a parrot. Why are you really getting upset, emotional? really why? because i leave a towel on the floor? can you see the absurdity in it?

The child does not have a problem, the child is fine, it’s the parents, the family the society that has a problem with the -in their eyes- child’s undesired unfitted behavior.

That’s why I refuse to treat children, because the Child has no problem, it is only expressing the unexpressed emotions of their parents, family and or Society.

So how to teach respect to your child? Show them respect first. And stop Macro, Meso and Micro inserting what has been inserted in you. You stop this pattern, you talk, be honest to your child, they understand honesty far better then your made up stories to protect them. Don't tell your child you're going to the playground and then bring him to the dentist. How is this respectful and honest. You lied to the child, but you condemn him, you punish him for lying. You tell the Child lies about Santa Claus or whatever story you use. You Lie to the child over and over again, and then you want respect from your child, you want your child to be honest. Who is teaching the child how to behave?

Tell the Child you're going to the Dentist and that its going to hurt. That’s the truth and being this truthful will make your child trust you and therefore respect you. You see its your behavior that sets the example that teaches them.

But if you even don't understand your own behavior, the reasons why you react the way you do, how can you demand from your child to react in the ‘right’ way. The ‘right’ way based on what?, acording to who? what macro, meso and micro level of your life.

I state it again: Your emotions are your own problem, no one can solve them, no one can change them, no one can make you feel something. Only you can. We should indeed share how things makes us feel, that is called CONVERSATION, as I call it sharing, but the conversations always and I mean always has to be free of any expectations and or manipulation. If its not free of expectations its propaganda, its manipulation and it will not work, maybe for a short while but it will backfire on you one day.

So check your Marco, Meso and Micro levels in your own life, and give the Macro and Meso issues and traumas back to those who they're from, then solve and look at your Micro level and clean yourself from issues and traumas. Forgive and let go, take your rightful place again. Only then you can start giving.

Conclusion:

How to ‘teach’ respect to others, Children, Parents, Family, Humans, Religions, Countries, Tribes, Cultures etc.?

Become aware of your Macro, Meso and Micro levels. Then show respect yourself first, and I do not mean manipulating, expecting and fake respect to gain something or to show off. I mean true, honest respect from your heart, because you understand we‘re all the same, no one is better or worse, no one is to old or to young. Show respect and love everybody no matter age, race, gender, religion, culture, sexuality or believes.

Show Respect, Love, laugh, cry, live, live with Body and Heart, live fully, feel fully, touch fully, love fully, Be. Be one, be full, be One-body, Be a HeartBody.

Hug,

དཀོན་མཆོག་བསྟན་འཛིན།

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