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Why Do Women complain? Part 2 【Kevin专栏】

Kevin Polak དཀོན་མཆོག་བསྟན་འཛིན།
4 feb 2017
10 minuten om te lezen

Original 2017-02-04 Kevin Polak KheN

Why Do Women complain? Part 2

If you haven’t read part 1 yet, please do, otherwise you will have no clue what I'm talking about.

Dear Friend, Dear HeartBody,

Welcome back we finished yesterday with that the technique you used in the beginning is not working anymore. What to do now?

Let me explain something about Men and Women.

You see the Man in the beginning is working very hard to get the Woman he wants, the Woman is not giving in to easy playing, testing and emotional manipulating the Man, if she is interested of course (He has no idea, you directed the whole play, he thinks its him who concurred you, but let him think he did). When you finally give in (if he past your checklist and all your tests), you get into a serious relation and or get married, and then something funny happens, the man stops working, and now the woman starts working, working to develop the relationship. The more the woman starts working on the relationship (trying to change the man into her perfect Man) the more the man is retracting from the relationship, making the Woman work more, making the man retract more etc. etc.etc. What is happening: the more the man retracts the more the woman starts complaining, and the more the woman starts complaining the more the man retracts again etc. etc.etc. the never ending spiral that ends when either the woman gives up, or the man finds another woman that ‘needs’ him, making him feel man again. Because when a woman complains to and about her man, what she is really doing is castrating him.

Now you understand on the surface why women are complaining, but its just the surface. They want the perfect relationship, the perfect man, so they start investing into the relation. Most times trying to change the man into their perfect ‘picture’. This of course has nothing to do with the man involved. But like I said before its just the surface. What is happening underneath, the real reason why Women are complaining.

My theory is that the complainer always has the problem, the other one is not the reasonwhy you're complaining. Let me explain.

Lets say 'your' Man loves to hang out with his friends and for example play cards or mahjong. Now he's perfectly happy doing this, he has no problem, he's enjoying it. You on the other hand feel he's not being with you, or with the kids, if you have any. You feel he spends more time with his friends than with you. so you start saying or asking him ‘Can you stay home tonight, why are you “always” going to your friends?, or even forbidding him to do so. Or you start punishing him, by refusing intimacy. Yes, the moment you stop intimacy with your partner for whatever reason, its the end, unless you both have transcended sexuality and are enlightened. In any other situation it means the end of your relation.

You complain, he doesn't listen, you punish, he goes and finds intimacy somewhere else. Do you see that this whole routine starts with you and that it creates exactly the opposite of what you wanted in the first place. How is as a punishment not giving intimacy going to give you intimacy? Can you see how ridicules human behavior and our mind is.

Let me explain more, because some of you will still feel 'But he’s going to his friends, so he started this feeling in me'.

You're the one that has the complain, it has nothing to do with him, remember he's perfectly happy. You have the problem. Now if you really truly love him, you would want him to be happy and if being with his friends makes him happy then there should not be any problem. But you feel insecure, not appreciated maybe even neglected. Now like I said before no one can make you feel something, you decide to feel something, your own neuro pathway’s based on this current situation that is in someway a reflection from your past. Maybe your father was ‘never’ there, treated you or your mother bad or you missed his affection, never felt he loved you, wished you were a boy. Again you're feeling emotions created in your past based on an unfulfilled physiological need. Your neuro pathways. Making you feel (script) unwanted, not loved.

It has nothing to do with him, being happy with his friends. You don't like this feeling inside you, so you start blaming him, you start complaining. Demanding of him to take your ‘bad’ feelings away. How does your unresolved past suddenly became his responsibility?

You start feeling insecure and start creating illusions in your head to why he's not being with you. Our mind is very dangerous, because it starts creating stories that are not real. It stars creating illusions that have nothing to do with reality. Maybe he's seeing someone else instead, maybe he doesn't love me anymore or maybe he doesn't like my body anymore….etc. Your neuro pathways, making you feel emotional, that are creating illusions, fantasy's, unrealized over-romanticized pictures that are not real or fulfilled.

What to do? Forbid him to go, lock him up inside your house, check his messages, follow him? Punish him? Trust me this will only make it worse, like I said in my article about control, when you're looking for something you will ‘think and believe’ you have found something, because you're not looking at it objectively anymore. You will see or hear things that are not there.

If you take away somebodies freedom, it will only make it worse. Every prisoner has only one dream, to escape. Every starving person has only one dream, food. Why would you want to create a situation where your partner wants to escape you and has to get his 'food' somewhere else. Do you see and understand that complaining to and punishing him is castrating him, is putting him in a prison without food and then you wonder why he wants to go, why he's seeing others. You have directed this whole play again, like in the beginning of the relation, but now you say ‘He did it, it is his doing???? First you know you did it and make the man believe he did it, and now you say he did it and you say you didn’t know, you did nothing......

What to do, when you feel insecure or bad?

First stop directing, accept yourself and the other involved completely.

Secondly, Share, share how you feel without any finger pointing, without any blaming the other one and most important without any expectations that your sharing will change the other persons behavior.

So I told Joyce Tell him you're sorry for not respecting his boundaries and tell him you feel insecure and you would love a hug. Why does Joyce have to apologize? Most of you (women) will still think; he didn’t react to her needs, why does she has to adjust? He goes out to play cards. He, He, He (still fingerpointing).

I hear my mother in this question. My mother lives in France very close to a beautiful sea. So every summer I go there with my kids. Now you have to understand my kids are raised very freely, not to many rules, more supportive to whom they are. My mother on the other hand is very keen on her space, her stuff and many, many rules. This creates every summer tensions. I keep on telling her over and over again let them be. don't ‘sit’ on top of them continuously, let them be themselves.

For example; if my kids don't hang their towel after they showered and just leave the towel on the floor, something they do a lot hahaha. My mother then says, its disrespectful to her and the towel (????) and it makes her feel bad knowing that they don't have a dry towel the next morning.

First does the towel care if its on the floor?, secondly, how is leaving a towel on the floor disrespectful? You just want to see or interpreted the way you want, its your truth, and therefore not the truth. Thirdly, if they don't have a dry towel the next day then they might remember the next time ‘ If I want a dry towel, I need to hang it’. No better way to learn from experience I think. Now my mother has the complain, so she has the problem. If towels on the floor bother her, then she should without any problem just hang the towels. What is the problem? But she will hang the towel with irritation and anger. Like I said before it has nothing to do with my kids, they have no problem leaving the towel on the floor, they are not doing it on purpose or to be disrespectful. All this issues are in my mothers head, it triggers her neuro pathways from her past. Then she asks me the question ‘So how come I need to adjust myself to them, and they don't have to adjust themselves to me? This question Ning Xi also asks me sometimes, how come I need to adjust? stating; You make me feel this, You did this, so You adjust to my needs. What you're actually saying is; You're not fulfilling my needs which makes me feel 'bad' so you need to adjust so i dont feel bad. read this sentence slowly and carefully again and see how ridicules it is. Then ask yourself ‘Where am I (as in you,) taking any responsibility for feeling 'bad'’. right NONE.

My mother and many women (parents, partners friends etc. ) can or will ad a sentence like this; 'I open my door and house with all my heart to you'. this is the famous Cancer (zodiac Sign) sentence 'After all I have done for you' This little sentence ‘I open my door with all my heart’ is an emotional Manipulation of someone who seeks respect, recognition and attention. This has absolutely nothing to do with kindness, this is demanding, expecting and manipulating. This is a little child saying; ‘I did this for you, now you need to thank me, pay respect or do something for me in return’. This is not giving, this is taking (remember Filial Obligation in my last article my Culture). If you do something from your heart, then you will never, ever have to mention it. The moment you mention it, it becomes dirty, it becomes false, fake and dark. its a lie. there is absolutly no pure and noble heart in it.

You are starting calculating; how much did I do, and how much did you do…. The moment you do this, you miss everything, and I mean everything, you will lose respect, love and friendships.

The effect of this little sentence might be, that for example in the case of my mother and me is that I don't want to visit her anymore, and that is the last thing, it’s the opposite of what she wants. Can you see again the pattern of what you're doing can create exactly the opposite of what you want.

Why should Joyce's boyfriend adjust himself to her needs, because he clearly told her what he needed or wanted, he just left his towel on the floor and even said he was going to leave his towel on the floor. He was very clear and honest. This is a beautiful quality and should be praised. Why should the Man stop seeing his friends if it makes him happy? Why do you need to limit other peoples desires and happiness? because it bothers you? You have the complain, so you have the problem.

The question underneath is, why is it bothering you? what neuro pathway is activated, based on for example what 5 Reichian Character types and what unfulfilled physiological need or pain?

So Joyce apologized and told her partner how she felt and what she needed without expecting him to give it to her. We need to share our desires and needs with each other, without any expatiations or finger pointing. Even if you're afraid to hurt the other person. You will hurt the other person more by not being honest.

Now a beautiful thing happened between Joyce and her boyfriend, when she shared how she felt, so did he, When she apologized, so did he. They feel more closer than ever before.

This is the lesson we need to understand, if you want something from someone, you needt o show or give first without expecting you're going to get what you want, hahaha. I know. Seems unfair doesn't it? Only then, maybe, you will get it. Because it starts with you wanting something from someone, figure out first why you need or want this and see if you can actually give this to yourself first. If you get something you want without demanding for it, then when you get it, trust me its even more beautiful and worthy then your over-romanticized illusions can imagine.

Joyce even send me a red envelop to thank me. Like I told Joyce the fact that you're closer with your boyfriend makes me happy, it’s the best reward there is. I will always accept a gift from the heart, I don't care how much it is, its of no importance to me, there’s no expectation. Its about the gesture, the need and desire from you to do this, how can I refuse or be disappointed if you share?

To conclude why do women -or men for that matter so lets say- Humans complain.

Because we want the other person to fulfill our emptiness, to make us feel wanted, needed and appreciated. They need to heal us, heal our traumas. And here’s the truth:

NO ONE CAN DO THIS, NOT A SINGLE PERSON IN THE WORLD CAN DO THIS.

The only one that can make you feel good, fulfilled, happy or any emotion IS YOU.

So stop complaining and discover why you're complaining. Don't bother others with your unresolved, unfulfilled emotions, deal with them yourself.

How to change your behavior then? Remember the path you created in the cornfield? The next time you are thirsty don't take the same path, make a new path through the cornfield, yes this is a little work in the beginning, but slowly a new pathwill be created. And what will happen with the old path? It will slowly disappear again. This is how you change your behavior, the next time you feel an emotion on any person or situation, don't take that unconscious old automatic created path, unless you like this emotion of course. But if you don't like it and its not satisfying your thirst (anymore) Make a new path. Choose consciously to react in a different way, make a new path, you would be amazed with the result.

Stop Complaining, Love, laugh, cry, live, live with Body and Heart, live fully, feel fully, touch fully, love fully, Be. Be one, be full, be One-body, Be a HeartBody.

Hug,

དཀོན་མཆོག་བསྟན་འཛིན།

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