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Why do Women Complain 【Kevin专栏】

Kevin Polak དཀོན་མཆོག་བསྟན་འཛིན།
3 feb 2017
8 minuten om te lezen

Original 2017-02-03 Kevin Polak KheN

Dear Friend, Dear HeartBody,

A few days ago I was having a chat with a friend of mine, somehow I contacted her without knowing why. This happens a lot to me, sometimes I see a message on Wechat moments, or I'm using the function people nearbyand I feel. If I feel something, I contact that person and will write a message asking ‘How are you?’ most times it seems weird how life sends me to different people that need support, guidance or attention at that moment. And who am I to refuse this impulse that is bigger then me.

Most names are Chinese and very difficult for a laowai 老外 to write. But sometimes there is an English name or I added the English name myself to remember. Who knows. This time I wrote ‘How are you, Joyce?’ Joyce replied ‘I need a hug’. Now most of you that know me, know how much I value hugs. I even make it a point in my Polak Therapy Workshops to explain how to hug, and that we need at least 7 hugs a day. Hugging is such a underestimated importance for humans, and unfortunately it is not common and a more difficult thing in Asia. I wonder why, well, I know, but that is an article for another time.

When I share my vision and the importance of hugging, I often refer to the Monkey Love Experiment done by Harry F. Harlow, here’s a full link to the experiment if you want to know more about it. link

http://pages.uoregon.edu/adoption/studies/HarlowMLE.htm

He suggested that infant love was no simple response to the satisfaction of physiological needs. Attachment was not primarily about hunger or thirst. It could not be reduced to nursing. In other words infants need more than just food from their mother. You might think by now what the hell has this to do with the topic? Well I get to that, its not that simple....

So Joyce said ‘I need a hug’, if there is any cry for a hug and if I'm available, I will rush to anyone to give a hug, not for you of course but purely for myself….

Right after this message, she wrote me ‘I'm with my boyfriend now’. I think this is very cute. You write what you need and at the same time you build an escape, a defense mechanism to protect yourself. To play safe, Consciously Intended or non intended. I'm not saying Joyce did this for this reason, but most people very fast undermine their statements, just to be safe. But it doesn't bother me, a hug is a hug, its nothing sexual, its a connection between people to charge each other with positive energy, its harmless and beautiful.

So I replied teasingly and be-wondered ‘You’re with your boyfriend and you need a hug?’ How can you be with your loved one and need a hug? Then there is something wrong, one of the partners is blocking or closing, the question is why. Joyce replied ‘Because he doesn't want to hug me’. So my first reaction is ‘What did you do?’. If someone is refusing a gesture of affection, that means they're hurt or want to break up. There is no other possibility. Now a person that is hurt can not give affection to the one they believe hurt them, and I emphasize on the word believe, because I know its impossible for anyone to hurt someone emotionally. Yes you can hurt others physically, but its impossible to hurt someone emotionally. Now this might sound strange to you and you need to understand the way I look at life. If someone is able to hurt me emotionally it would mean they have a remote control of my emotions, that means they are inside my body and are telling me what to feel. This is simply impossible. You can hurt me physically because I have a body, you can touch it and it responds. But no one can touch my emotions. Its not concrete. How does emotion look, its untouchable, its air, no not even air. Its invisible. How can you hurt something that is not there? How?

Emotions are a funny thing, they make us react, say and do things we mostly regret.

let me take a sidetrack, it will make sense later. Scientist have discovered just a glimpse of how emotions work, but they still have no clue, how can they, how can you research something that is invisible that is not there. So they figured out it has to come from the brain, at least the brain is substance that you can touch, so you can research it, you can hurt it. Scientists discovered neuroplasticity. Neuro what? yes, neuroplasticity. They stated that our brain is full of neuro pathways. Let me explain this with an example. If you are in location A and lets say there is a physiological need like; you’re thirsty. You need to go to location B to get water. Now between location A and B there is a cornfield. So the first time you felt thirsty you go from A to B through the cornfield. You created a path in the cornfield between A & B, a bit rough, but its clearly that you walked this way. In the future every time you are thirsty you take the same path. Why go through the trouble of finding a new way through the cornfield if there is already a path. This I how you're brain works. If there is a physiological need (remember the monkey love experiment) or a physiological pain, you're brain creates a pathway or as scientists call this pathway, a synapsis. a way from A to B like the one in the cornfield. Now every time in the rest of your live, when a similar situation occurs, your brain will activate the same neuro pathway.

When you're born you only have a few neuro pathways, some refer to it as instinct, these are situated in the old brain, the brain that is beyond our understanding, it is connected to existence, to our survival. The main functions of the old brain is what to do in danger and what to do to fullfill your physiological needs. In case of danger for example, you have two options Fight or Flee.

All the other basic and fundamental pathways to the person you have become now, find their origin between the age of conception and 12 years old. Freud and other psychologists have similar explanations. They call it the 5 Reichian Character types. Of course there are many more types and explanations and no one is just one type, but if gives you an interesting idea. These 5 primary types are Schizoid (the unwanted child), Oral (the needy child), Masochist (the Endurer), Psychopath (the controller/leader), Rigid (obsessional/the perfectionist). If you might find this interesting Baidu, Google or yahoo the 5 Reichian Character types.

Now I'm sorry, no I'm not, but I needed to explain this before I could tackle the subject of this article for you to fully understand. These explanations will make you understand that your emotions are yours and are based on your past and your instinct. It will make it easier for you to understand that literally no one can make you feel something, you decide most times unconsciously to feel something based on your 'programs’, your synapsis, near pathways.

Other people or situations merely become an excuse to run your script, your neuro pathways, synapsis that you created during your childhood in your brain, based on Physiological unfulfilled or (over)fulfilled needs and pain.

I will continue to share the conversation I had with Joyce. Joyce said ‘Last night he said he wanted to go to sleep directly after his shower, which disappointed me, because we haven’t seen each other for a while, so I cried but he still didn’t give me attention.’ I replied ‘Why didn’t you just crawl in bed with him and hug him?’ Joyce replied ‘Yes, I did but he refused.’ This is very strange to me and like I said before, no one will refuse a hug from your loved one, except if the loved one is angry or wants to break up. So I asked ‘How can he refuse your hug’, she said ‘He didn’t, he refused my kiss.’ Aaahh you see humans always want more, they want their desire, their fantasy fulfilled, their expectations realized. Joyce hasn’t seen her boyfriend for a long time and had 'only' 3 days to spend with him. I know people, if this situation is happening to you, I know and I know especially women, you have planned the whole 3 days. How both of you run to each other at the meeting point, how he lifts you up in to a loving warm embrace. how he is telling you he missed you so much and loves you so much... These 3 days are full of romance, talks, affection and intimacy. I use on purpose the word intimacy. Because if I would say having sex that would be more the point of view from the man. So 3 romantic days already filled with how it is going to be. Expectation on expectation on expectation (mostly based on watching to many romantic movies). Of course if one of your expectations is not fulfilled you feel disappointed and start asking yourself what’s wrong? which will turn into you feeling insecure.

Now I ask you where is He, where can He be Himself, Him? What does your fantasy, your illusions your expectations have to do with Him? Absolutely nothing! I think it could have just been anybody. Fantasy, expectations, illusions are not real, you can’t touch them, they are invisible. Remember…

And I'm right, I know I am. I told Joyce ‘Why want more then a hug, why do you need more?’ She said ‘I want him to touch me, love me, hug me’. I reminded her, ‘But he clearly told you, after shower, I want to go to sleep. You didn’t respect him, you ignored him.’

The first step, one of your expectations isn’t being fulfilled, so disappointment comes in, and you start asking yourself why? What's wrong? What did I do? Etc. etc.etc. And Joyce replied ‘I thought he didn’t like my body anymore’. This makes me sad, utterly sad. Because Joyce’s Neuro pathway is; if I don't get what I need, it means I'm not good enough, something is wrong with me. Clearly the Schizoid (the unwanted child) structure, and under neath the Oral (the needy child) structure. Why are my parents fighting al the time, getting a divorce, hurting me, its because of me, I'm bad, I did something wrong. The child creates a Neuro pathway of not being wanted and or blames itself. This is why I feel sad when Joyce replied ‘I thought he didn’t like my body anymore’. Tears are literally in my eyes right now. How can any human think something iswrong with him or her.

So Joyce started to cry, maybe her tears will make him do what she want, of course this is emotional manipulation, and trust me emotional manipulation on men most times only work in the beginning, when you just met, if you need help or are interested in a man. Because men just can’t resist a woman that needs help, not to help you, but simply to make them feel they're needed, so they feel manly. The program of the old brain. Emotional manipulation during a relationship is creating exactly the opposite of what you desired. The technique you used inthe beginning is not working anymore. What to do now?

This article turned out to be much longer then I expected, so I'm going to send the rest of the story and the conclusion tomorrow. Sorry for keeping you hanging on the cliff for a day, it will be worth it, I promise hahaha.

………, Love, laugh, cry, live, live with Body and Heart, live fully, feel fully, touchfully, love fully, Be. Be one, be full, be One-body, Be a HeartBody.

Hug,

དཀོན་མཆོག་བསྟན་འཛིན།

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