My Culture【Kevin专栏】
Dear Friend, Dear HeartBody,
As a 老外（Laowai) Therapist in China and giving Polak Therapy workshops & lectures I sometimes get confronted with the line ‘This is our culture’. Now off course the unspoken message of this line is, ‘You're a foreigner and you don't understand’. Now the question I always ask myself is who decides what is ‘yours’ or ‘mine’. Do we use this sentence as an excuse with full understanding or just – with all do respect- as an empty phrase to end a discussion. As a reason to say ‘He, I have to accept this undesired situation I'm in, I can’t change it, its my culture.’
I want to emphasize clearly that I'm not attacking anyone or passing judgments, I'm merely sharing my observations.
Let me give you an example:
One day I went with a group of Chinese to one of the islands near Zhuhai for a wedding commercial. In this little town there was a temple. We all went in and the Chinese started to light incense and pray and bow to the statue. Off course the camera and film crew would love the images of a Laowai doing this ritual, so they asked me if I wanted to do this ritual too.
Now you have to understand the way I look at life. I can’t just follow what people are doing, I want to understand why? why I'm doing it, what is the reason and does my heart agree. So I asked, can you tell me what this statue stands for, what is the story and why do you pray for it. I love mythological stories and legends and China has so many stories and legends, so I was getting excited to get to know this one. But to my amazement no one of our group knew the answers to my questions. It was to pray for the fishermen, is the closets they got after they asked the local people in the temple. Even they who worked in the temple couldn’t tell me the story of this statue. This is something that blew my mind, and I'm wondering why are you praying if you don't even know why and for what. Maybe you're all praying that every fisherman has to die that goes out to sea….who knows.
This is the reason why I don't and can’t just follow any religion, rituals or behavior of others, before understanding the why, what for and most important does it match my heart, my way of looking at life.
Let me take a side path for a moment, it will be clear later. Last summer I was having a discussion about religion with my mother, my mother is a Christian and believes in Jesus and God. To be clear, I think that is good, its important that you find something in yoir life that can help you and make you a better person. Now it’s not my purpose to make you a disbeliever, but if you're going to argue with me, then don't be surprised if I will ask you questions that can make your believe shake a little.
Let me first explain my vision towards religion, I believe that every religion when we go back to its core is written by Men. Men that had an opinion or a purpose to do so, It’s a concept an idea created by Men. If you look at it this way its going to be hard to just follow blindly what they wrote. The bible, for example the Old Testament is in fact written by the Jews and called the Torah. The New Testament is written by Christians and is rejected by the jews. Why? How come the Old Testament and the Torah are the same, and why is there a need for a New Testament. In the Torah/Old Testament it says that one day God will send his son ‘the Messiah’ to earth to save the Humans. When Jesus came to earth, the Jews did not accept him as their Messiah. They said he was an imposter and crucified him. The Christians believed that Jesus was the Messiah, the son of God. Hence the New testament was written.
So Another religion is created from a different point of view, as Islam is again a different point of view. How come that around the same period there are suddenly 3 monotone religions? I think, 3 Men, 3 leaders, 3 strong Men decided this, and on top of that acording to the Torah/Old testament they are family..???... They all had their own followers and tried to convince that their religion was the only real one. This is how I look at it, and you can imagine that this makes those religions a bit absurd to me. That an argument between 3 men created the 3 biggest religions in the world that has more then millions of followers and are and have been trying to kill each other. But that’s a topic for another time.
So my mother and me are arguing and we come to the point of the question when did we get consciousness as humans, did we come from Adam & Eve? and had consciousness right away, or are we an evolution from apes. And when exactly did if we come from apes, become Human and got our consciousness. My mother clearly rejects the concept of humans coming from Apes (or even further back). She stated very clearly we had to come from Adam & Eve. So I asked her so if 'we' ‘white’ people are descendants from Adam & Eve, then where do the Chinese or the Hindu’s come from? We all know they have cultures that are far older then the culture of the ‘white’ people’. There it was, that moment of silence, that moment where all knowledge fails, where knowledge has no answers, where I know the deep Knowing of a person really knows the truth and creates a little shake in their ‘blind’ believe. That Moment where for maybe 1 second you're pure, you're enlightened.
I think if we just take a moment to feel and I clearly state feel, not think or analyze, but simply feel if stories and the written word make sense, then most of the times it will not. Does that make the written word invaluable? No, absolutely not, they are very valuable to learn from, these are wonderful stories, that can guide and help us. We should read them but look at it from our own heart.
Osho I think nailed it, by explaining the difference between intellectual and intelligent people, the difference between knowledge and knowing. He states that Intellectual people and their knowledge are just repeating words of other people, the are parrots. He says that intelligence and knowing is using your own inner wisdom, your heart, your body and mind. YOU.
Think about it, when you do a test or an examination you need to answer the questions according to what is expected or told you. To what is believed as true at that time and to which culture. So for example till 1492 if the question at an examination would be: ‘What is the shape of the earth?’ You would have to answer‘ it’s Flat’, because that is what religion, intelectual people and the books are saying, that’s what was believed to be true. But Columbus used his Intelligence and his inner knowing, he felt, he knew the world was round. So after 1492 the answer to the question was changed. Because one Men believed it was round. So following blindly the written word doesn't make you an intellectual, yes it means you have knowledge but what do you really know? are you really intelligent or are you actually getting more stupid? Having all you PHD’s, Master’s and Bachelor’s degrees, but you keep on telling everyone the world is flat…. To be very clear im not against studying, i think its very nesecary to learn and know about as much as you want or need for whatever you want to do in your life, I'm mereley hoping that you don't lose yourself, you as an authenitic beautiful individual person.
Off course the ancient Greeks, Maya’s and Asian cultures allready proposed and proved the earth was round and a sphere 2000 years before Columbus. The answer to the questions are based on time and culture.
So my mother ended the discussion by saying ‘if you believe you believe, you don't question’. I respect that, I think everybody is entitled to his own meaning and believe.
To come back to the topic, when I explain my vision on family structure and hierarchy in Polak Therapy, participants often say to me its my or our culture, especially when it is regarding to filial obligation (children have to take care of their elderly parents).
I believe that Adult Children have no guilt or owe their parents anything. Its an discussion that has been discussed in different cultures and era’s. To me, I hear Chinese say to fast and to easy, we have to take care of our parents, its our culture and duty.
Like the story about the religions, are you just repeating words made by Men, accepting this tradition, without knowing the why, what for, the origin and its purpose? Yes, it is a Chinese law that Parents can officially demand from their children to support them emotionally and financially. The Chinese marriage law states:
Children have an obligation to support and to assist their parents..... When children fail in such duty, parents who cannot work or have difficulty with their living have a right to demand alimony from their children.
To be very clear this law is not just Chinese, there are other countries in the world that have the same law. In China this and most of these laws find their origin from the Confucian Concept of Justice.
There is a case study done by James Wang that I found very interesting, mainly because this study is at first in conflict with my vision. However the concept and the reasoning of the why and what for of this law is in my eyes very valuable and true. Wang states that Filial Obligation according to the Confucian concept of Justice is a good thing. Wang argues the western view, from for example Norman Daniels of the ‘Self-imposed’ duty. it’s the parents decision to have children so it’s their duty to take care of them. And the non Self-imposed duty. The child did not chose to be born so it can not be forced to take care of its parents. Its an interesting article and for those who are interested here’s a link: http://www.bu.edu/wcp/Papers/Comp/CompWang.htm
In short Wang asks Who’s duty is it to take care of the Elderly? The state, (indirect we as tax payers taking care of anonymous elders). Or adult children (directly taking care of your own elderly parents). Who is responsible? He states it’s the difference between moral responsibility and moral duty.
I hear sometimes people say they had or want children so they would have someone to take care of them when they're old. Is this the reason why you chose to have a child, so you are taking care of when you're old?
For me this has nothing to do with parental love, the child is just a thing, a possession a guarantee for later. I feel that this is wrong. And I'm wondering how can this kind of parents truly love their Child, it feels more like they know they have to suffer and invest for a few years and then they can profit from their investment. The child as an investment. And like any investment the small print always states ‘ Results from the past are no guarantee for the future’ ;-).
Where is the individuality, the life of the child? No wonder that these parents try to convince their children either to marry a richman, be successful or have a very good job. Is it in the child’s interest or for themselves? Can the child live its own passion and life?
Filial Obligation turns out to be the question of Moral Duty or Moral Responsibility. I personally think there are no rules or moral issues to be placed on a society, the moment you create a rule or force a moral understanding, you have to create exceptions. For example does a sexual abused daughter have to take care of her Father that abused her?
Like life it starts at the top, the natural flow of life is downwards. If Parents decide to have a child then it should feel natural to provide their child with emotional support. When parents do this completely selfless, full of love, respecting the child’s decisions, encouraging it, supporting it. Then the adult child will want to take care of their elderly parents later, they would want to visit them as often as possible. There is no question needed about Moral Duty or Moral Responsibility. It will be as it should be. no rules or laws needed. But if parents are abusing their parental role, neglecting and emotionally harming the child, then we have to force the adult child into filial Obligation by rules, traditions or laws.
What is Confucianism then? Do you really know? And how has it been modified during the ages? Do you know that Taoism was the inspiration source for Confucianism and that Buddhism changed Confucianism down the ages? That there was a new Confucianism created decades after Confucius lived? Why? With what purpose? Why did it had to change? Did you know that Buddhism is exactly saying the opposite according to Filial Obligation? That Buddhism rejects family, because ‘your’ loved ones will limit you from becoming enlightened? Wasn’t it Siddhartha (the First Life Buddha) himself that abounded his wife and new born son to find the path of enlightenment. Was it not he who rejected all the wishes and desires from his own parents? Now these questions are interesting, and the answers will make you wonder what is ‘my culture’.
If we assume that Lao Tzu is the father of Taoism and Confucius is the founder of Confucianism. We know from history that they lived around the same period, even that Confucius was a student of Taoism and that he just had a different opinion about life and especially towards Filial Obligation. Then I'm wondering how is this different then the difference of opinion between the Jews and the Christians regarding if Jesus was or was not the Messiah. Confucianism is a moral system emphasizing the values of humaneness, righteousness, and filial duty, and so seeks obedience through social rules.
Taoism has a more naturalistic/metaphysical view on the relationship between humankind and the Universe, and considered social rules and filial obligation to be at best a natural and spontaneous interaction between people.
This is exactly my point, if you do good from your heart as a Parent then the Adult child will want to take care of you. no need to force, let it take its natural course.
So as a conclusion when we say its my or our culture, is it really yours? Or are you just using it as an excuse for your behavior or undesired situation. Or like my mother if you don't know, you state ‘I believe, and a true believer doesn't asks questions they accept blindly’.
I think you have to make sure that you know what you're saying, and why you're saying it.
Buddhism and Taoism have different opinions towards how to deal with Filial Obligation then Confucianism. So to what culture are you referring to when you state ‘its our culture’?
Be intelligent, don't become an intellectual parrot repeating and blindly follow words and directions from others.
Be true, be you, because you know
Have Questions, Make Love, laugh, cry, live, live withBody and Heart, live fully, feel fully, touch fully, love fully, Be. Be one, befull, be One-body, Be a HeartBody.
Hug,
དཀོན་མཆོག་བསྟན་འཛིན།
我是Kevin和宁曦的分割线
看完这篇Kevin的最新文章，有点紧张。几处观点都很尖锐，如果阅读者的思维不开放，会被严重刺伤的。如果要翻译并且公开，希望大家保持开放的态度看待，吸收对自己有用的部分。
Kevin文章中提到孩子对父母的赡养和父母对孩子的抚养，让我不禁想起自己的母亲。我的母亲就是这样对我的，她真是个有智慧的母亲。作为女儿对她发自内心的敬重，在意，爱。这是情感上的，而生活上，我对她的观念和建议服服帖帖。
直说重点：如果大家需要翻译，请尊重我这个不专业的翻译的烧脑工作，赞赏足够我再开始哟（是的我很傲娇）。
