Kevin专栏 Bungee jump
Dear Friend, dear HeartBody,
Masters talk a lot about the importance and the way's how to become an enlightened person. For example Buddha sat underneath a bodhi tree, others have found their own way of becoming enlightened, by a finger being cut of, on the last moment before death or by dropping a pail of water. Each way unique and unrepeatable.
What is enlightenment?
There are many theories about this and the most common answer is 'being empty, to have no thoughts, to be without Ego'. Most of us understand this, but we understand from the mind, so we don't really understand. We can meditate, exercise and copy the behavior of the enlightened, trying to achieve enlightenment, but failure and disappointment is bound to happen.
I have read many theories and stories about enlightenment, some make sense to me, others I question but again this is all from my mind, written by another mind. Then how to be empty? Having no thoughts? Exercising or meditating is no guarantee that you're or will be enlightened, so why do it, why try you might ask?
No matter what you do, It's good, because you take a moment of rest, to feel and relax, or when you're exercising, the body is used, feeling its muscles, the sweet, your heartbeat. Just for that, it's all good you're involved with Body and Heart (feelings). You're being with yourself.
I always wanted to do Bungee Jumping, not knowing why, but there was some attraction in it. Let me take you step by step on this journey and to what happened. One day we where in Macao to perform for a festival, now for those who don't know Macao, Macao has a very high tower called the sky tower. They provide the possibility of Bungee Jumping. When I looked at the price I was shocked, thinking no way, that's way to expensive. Here my mind is deciding that the price tag is the decisive factor for having a life's experience or not. How ridiculous is this, why do we think in Money, to expensive, not worth it, to cheap then maybe something is wrong with it. We're talking about a life changing opportunity, a rarity, not something that is to be done every day. What is really happening? I'm deciding at that moment what I think I'm worth, or using the price as an excuse because I'm afraid. This is the same when people are thinking to doTherapy or not like Polak Therapy ( hahaha) based on the price. If you say or think it's to expensive then you're actually saying I'm not worth it, or you're afraid and the price becomes the excuse. Remember it's both good and beautiful, because it tells something about you.
After calculating how much we would earn and what I still had to pay and talking with Ning Xi, I finally decided ok, I'm going to do it. Again my mind is weighing yes, no, arguing, but deep inside I already knew that I wanted to do it. My mind needed to be convinced by another person, why is that? Am I not the one that is in control of my own life, why do I need approval from others.
Why am I so insecure? You know when you want to do something or not, you know, the word Bungee Jumping, Polak Therapy or any other Therapy or word is enough, your Being knows. But then the mind comes in? What is the price? What am I going to get from it? Is it worth it? Is there any guarantee? Mind, mind, mind. Imagine if I would have sit down in front of the cash register meditating or doing my work out to decide and feel if I should do it or not. Trying to be empty and feel in the Nothing if I should do it? Absurd, there will be no answer and if there is an answer it is from the mind. I already knew, what is or why there has to be something convinced.
So I paid for a full package, Skywalk, Sky jump and Bungee Jump including video and picture package. Thinking if I'm here and I'm going to pay then make sure I get the best deal. Again mind, once we have decided to do something, the next thought comes up, can I get a discount? Can I get some extra treatment, what is the best deal? Why is that? Why can't we just accept and pay the price? Now I'm a Jew that has a Dutch nationality, so you can imagine I Love to bargain, get everything for free, or as less as possible.
Most times just for the pure enjoyment of the bargaining experience, not even wanting a product but to see how far I can go. But this I wanted to do, so take the best deal, having as much as possible. Graphing, graphing, graphing, more, more, more, mind mind mind. And capitalism knows this. That's why buy 1 price x, buy 2 only x, and get one for free, it's cheaper, but you're fooled, you're manipulated, because buying just one is always cheaper, capitalism knows your mind, it knows the human mind, it knows we want more for less. And we are fooled and trigger into it, thinking ha, we made a good deal. But the one really laughing is capitalism. The skywalk was fun, and I had my disappointments, the sky jump was fun, the pictures and video are nice to have, but in the end all unnecessary. It was about the one thing the Bungee Jump.
I should have sticked with only the Bungee Jump, no regrets dough, I mean my ego can say I did that, look at the pictures and Video. But it's just Ego.
Bungee Jumping. So knowing I was going to do it, and already doing the skywalk and sky jump made me less scared, I had been al ready on the platform, walking outside and jumping off the platform slowly descending. Maybe after all the full package was good so it was preparing myself, making me less scared. I don't know, but it's in the pas, t it is of no importance now.
Going up again in the Elevator, I felt my stomach, feeling anxious, nervous. Scared, what if the cord breaks?, or I bang against the tower?. You have no idea how many scenarios went through my mind, I could have made a dozen of horror movies. The persons I haven't or couldn't say goodbye to, my mind was overheating, I think smoke was coming from my ears.
Again the mind, why is my mind focusing so much on what can go wrong, why is fear so strong and controlling. My instinctual survival emotions hand in hand with my mind, my ego are fighting, convincing me stay alive! don't do it.
This fear is exactly the obstacle of enlightenment, the fear of letting go, surrendering. Maybe that's why so many get enlightened just before they die, they know there is no hope anymore, all wealth, all that is graphed, controlled and gathered is gone, nothing to hold on to anymore. And it's that moment of not holding on, realizing there's nothing, complete surrender, that is when you're one with everything,
Passing the fear from our mind our thoughts is not enough, we need to pass our instinctual, our existential fear as well.
I was fighting inside, trying on the outside to pretending I was completely fine, that I was 'cool'. Why can't I just share my feelings, why do I need to pretend that I'm cool. Who cares? Exactly the point Who cares? Why do I think I'm the center of attention? That the world turns around me? Trust me if you're gone the world still turns. So why pretend?
This is all going one from the moment I saw the word Bungee Jump, till they tided me up and I was standing on the platform just before I would jump.
The people that help you they know, no matter how much you pretend, they know. By checking with each other if all the procedures have been done and are save ( they know this is comforting you), then they break the tension saying look at the camera and any last words? This is funny 'any last words?' First they comfort you and then they break it, the dualistic of it is beautiful. My words at that moment ' Goodbye Mamma' How strange is that? Goodbye Mamma'. But it makes complete sense, Bungee Jumping is like being born again, when you fall from above into your body, when you go from the whom to the world. So I'm saying Goodbye Mamma as I'm saying when I jump I will start my life, my journey.
So there I stand 237 meters above the ground on a little edge on top of the sky tower seeing Macao and almost my home in Zhuhai, just said my last goodbye.
Then it happened I spread my arms, closed my eyes, and I leaned forward, and at the moment I was on the point of no return, that moment of total acceptance, not knowing if I would life or die, that moment is the closed moment of understanding emptiness, nothingness, being one with all. A peace came over me, total silence, as time stood still, falling into emptiness, my spirit reborn, being born. Silence. Then I opened my eyes seeing the ground coming towards me, a soft jerk from the robe, and flying up again, tears running down my cheeks, a smile on my face, a release, I'm still alive, shaking.
Returning to my ego.
But that moment of leaning forward with closed eyes passing the moment of no return that's my surrender.
Remember this is my way, not THE way. But I'm sure this is the closed moment one can get to the feeling of your spiritual and natural birth. If you can at the moment before you fall spread your arms as wide as possible, opening your heart and accept, letting all fears for that second just go.
If not the whole process before deciding yes or no till you stand there is worth everything, you will get to know yourself on so many levels. There is no price high enough for this experience or for any experience. The price is irrelevant, how can you price an experience? Only the mind can do this, only the Ego.
